I do not tend to be an overly emotional person. But, I have been dealing with an interesting little piece of grief so far during our UK tour that I did not expect. I expected to be inspired, energized and further motivated to push the development of Connor's House forward, which I certainly have been, but I have also found a new grief here which I did not at all expect.
After completing four of twelve planned house tours and participating in a remembrance service, I find myself grieving the fact that we never had the opportunity to benefit from the types of services and supports that the children's hospices here provide (and that we hope to provide). I find myself grieving the fact that Connor never had the opportunity to go to a place where they truly accepted him the way these places accept and love the children they serve. The passion and dedication the people here have about the work they do is inspiring.
Reading about these places and talking about our goals for Connor's House theoretically was one thing. Seeing it in action is something totally different, which has created a totally different response than I had anticipated. That is the funny thing about grief. It often strikes when you least expect it. And often it strikes when you expect to feel the exact opposite and I think those are the hardest times.
The caterpillar dies so the butterfly could be born.
And, yet, the caterpillar lives in the butterfly and
they are but one. So, when I die, it will be that I
have been transformed from the caterpillar of earth to
the butterfly of the universe.
-- John Harricharan
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4 comments:
Your words put so much into perspective. grief always catches you unaware. you always wish what could have been but you are now working on what will be - in connor's memory and you will be giving all those families that are alone out there what has been missing from their lives. God bless.
Gayle
I have a little plush Cookie Monster sitting on my nightstand. Connie gave this Cookie Monster doll to Aaron to give him strength during the most challenging times in the NICU and beyond. I look at this Cookie Monster each day when I wake up and each day when I go to sleep and I think of Connor and his wonderful smile. What you and Deb are doing is a wonderful project. It is inspiring. I hope Aaron never has to use it, but if he does it gives me warmth and strength that Connor's House will be there for him. Thank you for your honesty, strength, support, and hard work to make Connors House a reality for those families who need it now and who will need it in the future. Never forget how important it is to grieve to remain whole.
thanks scott. deb passed on the link to your blog this morning. the title of your entry says it all. grief and hope -both inspire us to see a path to the future. i'm sorry that you and deb live with grief but i also admire how neither of you shun that process, and in so doing allow connor's life to continue in such a prominent way.
Scott - such wonderful words to express honest and profound feelings.
Both you and Deb have a wonderful ability to express and articulate your feelings - feelings that many people struggle to feel let alone express.
My heart goes out that you have had these sad experiences, yet I also believe that without shadow we cannot truly appreciate the light. In every darkness there is light. Connor blessed you as you belssed him by sharing the time and love that you did.
Ánd thank you for allowing others to experience that deep connection through your words.
Pam
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